Dear Benny,
Was wishing you to say that you hope me to find someone else better than you (handsomer than you...hehehe). You did not...for a fact i know you still want to keep me close to your heart.Can you introduce me someone from your home who may share same interest as i did? Penang...you say you may come on your own term but somehow it became my request. I won't be showing you around town as Penang is easy like ABC ais kacang.
Everytime I say something...in the end it came to you cutting me off short. I wish you didn't have to destroy my life like this, for me wanting to be with you. It became a crime to you for me trying to be close. I even tried to change my cellphone number so to not call you. I really wish things could be different between us. I know we can't change the past even we wanted to. All i wish for is a chance somehow...please please give it to me as well as yourself. Saying all this may push you further to even get closer to another relationship you are having right now. Although you said casual...but its getting deeper.
You are already on your way of moving on to loving another when still things remain unresolve between us. Gosh! Writing this out can be said more than 300 words written here.
Suddenly morning seems so hard to pass by the time since I am not doing much till the real work comes probably next week. Have been meaning to ask how you gotten your salary yet? Could it be a big lum sum accumulated for the past months you have not gotten your pay?
Felt like thanking you for giving me the chance to be with you some more last year and the year before we broke last. I am really glad but disappointed that you could have warn me or told me sooner before everything came crashing down before I went to visit you (maybe i shouldn't have then maybe...). I do know you did give it your best to make it work between us but I do not know why you need to try hard for it just let it come naturally, sadly to say it did not.
Happy for me or happy for you Benny, I chose a job where it does not allow me to go online for 5 days in a row. Truly felt being cut off on news from social network. It could be wise but feels lonesome, so my work is my friend mostly, pros and cons of it. Bet you are busy with your course today.
Many thanks to supportive advices from friends and self-help books or online gestures if not I will not be able to talk to you more, self-fish as i am wanting to get more time to talk more with you. My life suddenly in tune with the author Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love". Her life revolves the same trauma as I am, it made me believe in life again. Couldn't imagine a long distance relationship did not work out for the 2nd time even we are 2hrs 45mins by aircraft.
Funny as it seems every question I have for you does not get a reply or answer, since its a diary to you anyways. Believe me I was brought to the fact which has proven my questions includes a lot of 'WHY?'. Pouring myself into writing this of my deepest emotions and inner feelings of the soul is the only way i can be in touch with you. Tragically why am i doing this when i was supposedly to be train to do the work and task...too many free time.
Cannot imagine I wrote all this down on paper actually must be writing a novel or book on this, so much to say to you when there were times we could not speak. Right to the point, sadness and depression shrouds my thoughts ever to find happiness within me. Looking over my shoulder how my colleagues are like busy as bees of never ending work. I hope soon i will be busy to pass the hours of time of the day.
They've been kind enough to me thus far as they dare not push me to learn everything in a day. Read the working manual many many times over but i rather do the work to heighten my skill.
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