Dear Benny,
Was wishing you to say that you hope me to find someone else better than you (handsomer than you...hehehe). You did not...for a fact i know you still want to keep me close to your heart.Can you introduce me someone from your home who may share same interest as i did? Penang...you say you may come on your own term but somehow it became my request. I won't be showing you around town as Penang is easy like ABC ais kacang.
Everytime I say something...in the end it came to you cutting me off short. I wish you didn't have to destroy my life like this, for me wanting to be with you. It became a crime to you for me trying to be close. I even tried to change my cellphone number so to not call you. I really wish things could be different between us. I know we can't change the past even we wanted to. All i wish for is a chance somehow...please please give it to me as well as yourself. Saying all this may push you further to even get closer to another relationship you are having right now. Although you said casual...but its getting deeper.
You are already on your way of moving on to loving another when still things remain unresolve between us. Gosh! Writing this out can be said more than 300 words written here.
Suddenly morning seems so hard to pass by the time since I am not doing much till the real work comes probably next week. Have been meaning to ask how you gotten your salary yet? Could it be a big lum sum accumulated for the past months you have not gotten your pay?
Felt like thanking you for giving me the chance to be with you some more last year and the year before we broke last. I am really glad but disappointed that you could have warn me or told me sooner before everything came crashing down before I went to visit you (maybe i shouldn't have then maybe...). I do know you did give it your best to make it work between us but I do not know why you need to try hard for it just let it come naturally, sadly to say it did not.
Happy for me or happy for you Benny, I chose a job where it does not allow me to go online for 5 days in a row. Truly felt being cut off on news from social network. It could be wise but feels lonesome, so my work is my friend mostly, pros and cons of it. Bet you are busy with your course today.
Many thanks to supportive advices from friends and self-help books or online gestures if not I will not be able to talk to you more, self-fish as i am wanting to get more time to talk more with you. My life suddenly in tune with the author Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love". Her life revolves the same trauma as I am, it made me believe in life again. Couldn't imagine a long distance relationship did not work out for the 2nd time even we are 2hrs 45mins by aircraft.
Funny as it seems every question I have for you does not get a reply or answer, since its a diary to you anyways. Believe me I was brought to the fact which has proven my questions includes a lot of 'WHY?'. Pouring myself into writing this of my deepest emotions and inner feelings of the soul is the only way i can be in touch with you. Tragically why am i doing this when i was supposedly to be train to do the work and task...too many free time.
Cannot imagine I wrote all this down on paper actually must be writing a novel or book on this, so much to say to you when there were times we could not speak. Right to the point, sadness and depression shrouds my thoughts ever to find happiness within me. Looking over my shoulder how my colleagues are like busy as bees of never ending work. I hope soon i will be busy to pass the hours of time of the day.
They've been kind enough to me thus far as they dare not push me to learn everything in a day. Read the working manual many many times over but i rather do the work to heighten my skill.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Entry #1 (Date: 7th Mac 2011)
Dear Benny,
How's your course? Started already? Me...I'm okay thus far since its a new job at task, a lot of work involve but can manage for sure. We can't be together huh? No matter how it goes? We can't turn back nor front because of you. I recall giving you space to breathe and think seems like i was choking you till you face no comfort. I am suffering my dearest.
Guess basically our time is up huh? Miss you a lot still, I wish at times you weren't so cold upon our relationship (what we've been through). I actually would really like to know how it came about to this problem. But you couldn't even tell me the reason why? You kept saying that you are lying to yourself of what's been going on or the fact you found loneliness in your heart till at one point it became your weakness. It is okay to fear of it you are not alone (i fear this day would come and it has) thus you let go of this.
I wish we could talk face to face about it. I am sorry that i am digging back the past but past is what makes us, us. Last night thinking about it made me realize I need a restart button /reformat. Guess like last time how I am able to overcome it of you. Thank you for teaching me the lessons of loving another and myself. Actually I wish things could be really another adventure for us but you are not allowing for it to happen so i can't force. Forcing my way to your mind and heart ain't taking me anywhere. I wish there were ways we can resolve our issue...not at this moment when you are grieving yourself. Still i can't win your favor or heart.
A little sad speaking to a diary than you. As it has no bound to respond, this is where i can just repeat myself over and over. My best bud Nic was right, I need a little black book where I pour my feelings of what i need to really say to you a lot. Somehow talking to you ain't helping to soothe my thoughts. I thought it was but isn't, hopefully I find a good chap that trully loves me as you did before. Having an adventure with you was a timeless fairytale but it is ashamed that it ended ever so quickly.
I was really looking forward to meet your family especially your parents as i did not introduce myself properly to them just hiding behind the scene somehow its just my luck on our situation. Just one thought did you ever want me to meet your parents? I know it doesn't matter somehow i should not ask. Never had the intention to complicate things further. Wanting to be by your side always and always, hoping to be able to talk to you more. Praying in turn you may change your ways and mind to give chance for what maybe real in your life and mine. Now what i want to know is everything about you as i do not know you like a stranger who doesn't know anything of you.
For the record, I don't feel i know you at all anymore. Hopefully Friday, you'll pick up my call. Right now I need is to face up the world. (Contd)
How's your course? Started already? Me...I'm okay thus far since its a new job at task, a lot of work involve but can manage for sure. We can't be together huh? No matter how it goes? We can't turn back nor front because of you. I recall giving you space to breathe and think seems like i was choking you till you face no comfort. I am suffering my dearest.
Guess basically our time is up huh? Miss you a lot still, I wish at times you weren't so cold upon our relationship (what we've been through). I actually would really like to know how it came about to this problem. But you couldn't even tell me the reason why? You kept saying that you are lying to yourself of what's been going on or the fact you found loneliness in your heart till at one point it became your weakness. It is okay to fear of it you are not alone (i fear this day would come and it has) thus you let go of this.
I wish we could talk face to face about it. I am sorry that i am digging back the past but past is what makes us, us. Last night thinking about it made me realize I need a restart button /reformat. Guess like last time how I am able to overcome it of you. Thank you for teaching me the lessons of loving another and myself. Actually I wish things could be really another adventure for us but you are not allowing for it to happen so i can't force. Forcing my way to your mind and heart ain't taking me anywhere. I wish there were ways we can resolve our issue...not at this moment when you are grieving yourself. Still i can't win your favor or heart.
A little sad speaking to a diary than you. As it has no bound to respond, this is where i can just repeat myself over and over. My best bud Nic was right, I need a little black book where I pour my feelings of what i need to really say to you a lot. Somehow talking to you ain't helping to soothe my thoughts. I thought it was but isn't, hopefully I find a good chap that trully loves me as you did before. Having an adventure with you was a timeless fairytale but it is ashamed that it ended ever so quickly.
I was really looking forward to meet your family especially your parents as i did not introduce myself properly to them just hiding behind the scene somehow its just my luck on our situation. Just one thought did you ever want me to meet your parents? I know it doesn't matter somehow i should not ask. Never had the intention to complicate things further. Wanting to be by your side always and always, hoping to be able to talk to you more. Praying in turn you may change your ways and mind to give chance for what maybe real in your life and mine. Now what i want to know is everything about you as i do not know you like a stranger who doesn't know anything of you.
For the record, I don't feel i know you at all anymore. Hopefully Friday, you'll pick up my call. Right now I need is to face up the world. (Contd)
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